I can barely look at pictures of myself and my babies taken before Nov 8th.
I see so much joy and love in those photos.
My heart grieves when I look at my life “before.”
I can barely stand it.
I feel a pit in my stomach—of what was.
Of what seems like such a distant memory to me.
Life before Leukemia.
“Look away.” I tell myself.
It’s easier that way.
To push it down, push it away.
The loss.
I miss my hair.
I miss my energy.
I miss the ability to walk without wobbling due to chemotherapy damaging my nerves.
I miss my full eyelashes.
I miss picking my daughter up out of her crib.
I miss car rides to school with my 6 year old, where we both go into the same place, together.
I miss walks with my husband.
I miss going into a store and trying on clothes.
I miss getting up early and getting dressed for work.
I miss dancing around with my daughters.
“Will I ever have that life again?” I ask myself.
“Look away. Don’t remember how it was. It’s too painful.” I tell myself.
But I’m going to look.
I’m going to look at those photos, and feel everything.
I’m going to have compassion for myself through this time.
I’m not going to push it aside.
I’m going to grieve it.
Feel it.
Even Jesus wept.
So I’ll weep.
And I’ll chose to love myself through that pain.
Raw, real, refreshing. Continuing to pray for you and your family.
Thank you for facing the truth. I can’t imagine how hard it is, but thank you!
Thank you for being so genuine and real about your feelings and situation. As much as we love and pray for you and your beautiful family, even more, Jesus knows and understands your pain, cares and loves you so much more that He agonized in taking the 39 stripes on His back for your healing and laid down His life for you in intercession for your healing and salvation. Thank You Jesus, for Your healing touch for Leah today! We love you and agree with you in faith for your healing, Leah. ❤️
Leah, my prayer for you is the Lord will restore unto you what the locust has eaten! Your strength will return and your joy will be restored as well! It may be a new normal but it will be with gratitude that you will be with your girls and your husband and life will be sweet again. You are in His hands now and in the future! I love you and pray for you daily. I have walked your path and I may not understand everything but I know God was faithful to me! He will be faithful to you too!
Oh my sweet Leah I am reading this after my encounter today with a young woman going through Chemo, Lymphoma. I don’t understand this or why you are going through this. What I know with complete confidence, God is using you, and those that love and know you. He is opening doors for me to share your story . I so wish I didn’t have to share your story, if you or me in a very small way can lead one, he has used us to help save a soul. I hope family will hear my heart. As your aunt and as a person that loves you, I will always choose you. As a believer I pray God will use us both to lead others to him.such a hard sucky place for us to be in! I love you Leah more than you could ever know.
oh sweet Leah, it is so hard when u hear that u are being used by god for a reason, and the question is always WHY Me god, i love u , i worship u and am so thankful for each day, but why, why, i have asked that so much about my husband, no answer yet, but i know i live and am alive and will know someday the answer to my WHY, as we all will,i was healed from my 3 strokes, but still have the residuals, i walk funny, but can walk for which i am thankful, and why did u choose to take my last relative to heaven, i sure need and miss him, but leah, u can still see ur sweet, girls and give them love, no, it is not the same, nothing stays the same except GOD’S sweet love and caring for us. PLEASE don’t despair, smile ur sweet smile and weep if u desire, god sees and knows. asking god for deliverance of ur despair and ur healing. love u sweet Leah. ur sister in christ Jeanne Beavers