Have you ever been two places at once? Like that little ice cream cafe in Copperhill TN that sits on the border between Georgia and Tennessee. One foot can be in GA, while the other in TN…two places at once. This makes me think of the movie, “A Walk To Remember” –and we all know how that story ends..(hint–she died of Leukemia–won’t be able to watch that ever again!)

Lately, I’ve found myself to be in two places at once, emotionally speaking. On one hand I’m so grateful to be alive, to not have been given a terminal diagnosis like so many others. But on the other hand, I’m bitter. I’m exhausted and I don’t understand why this is the road I must walk. To be honest, I don’t really think there is some grand REASON or anything behind this life shattering dx, I think it just happened to me. Sure, God can and will use it for my good and for His glory, but you’ll never convince me this was all part of some master plan to “teach me” or “teach others” a lesson.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I don’t want to be inspirational. I don’t want to be strong or inspiring to others. Deep down—I just want to live my life! But, the cards I have been dealt were the cards of a very aggressive cancer, so here I am.

I’ve been putting off writing this, because I don’t want to offend anyone. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all of the love and support I have gotten over the past year. It’s way more than most cancer patients receive–and I realize that. I see it firsthand as I watch very old, very sick people in the “treatment” room. They truly have no one, and they are sitting there, essentially dying alone.

You see for you, your life goes on. You go to work, go home, pay the bills, and nothing drastic has changed.

For me, my life has completely changed—ever since November 8th, 2022.

Every single day of my life, I feel and see the effects of my diagnosis. But as the “news” of my sickness isn’t fresh anymore, people have stopped checking in. And I get it, it’s natural. I imagine it’s the same for people who have lost a loved one.

The first few days, weeks, are probably filled with support, and then as the months go by, I would assume it’s mostly, crickets.

I know I am guilty of not following up with people when they have faced loss.

But the fact is, this website, is my space to share my feelings and my experiences. And my experience is, that I’m tired. And I’m feeling two things at once, and that’s a weird place to be.

And so I’ve pushed off on writing this.

I kind of want to scream, “Hello? Is any one out there? I’m drowning in exhaustion. I’m drowning in fatigue. My mental stamina to keep on keeping on is getting weary.”

I know, I’m probably a different person. New and improved. Many of you may not even know how to have a relationship with me anymore. Perhaps you don’t know what to say, or don’t want to say the wrong thing. And that’s okay. Life is so busy for everyone, and I get that—even though it probably sounds like I don’t.

But my life isn’t back to normal, and it won’t be for years. I am still in ACTIVE treatment. I have to get stuck at least once a week and wait on my blood results. I have to “conserve” my energy and not do everything that I would like to do. I’m STILL not able to be back to work.

So while you may see me out and about with makeup on and “rocking my pixie cut” which I absolutely HATE— deep down, I’m exhausted and it took everything in me to get out of the door.

But, I’m alive.

My most recent hospital stay was 3 days long (November 2023) and the only person to show up other than my husband was two of my students in our youth group. That meant the world to me. I never get “used” to being in the hospital. It’s just as horrible as it was the first time, and every time in between.

Can you imagine how traumatizing it is, that anytime I get a fever while in treatment I get admitted to a hospital—away from my family and being poked and prodded and risk death every time?

That’s always in the back of my mind.

Life goes on for you, but not for me.

Every single evening I have a choice to make. Take these chemo pills which I know will make me feel terrible, or don’t, and risk the chance of a relapse.

And so I choose take the pills. I choose to fight for my life. For my husband, for my daughters, for me.

And so I leave you with this– no encouragement, no greater “outlook” on your life— just my thoughts. My TRUE thoughts.

I’m in two places at once.

Gratitude and grief.