¹² Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters,^[b] that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. ¹³ As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard^[c] and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. ¹⁴ And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.

Philippians 1:12-14

It’s hard for me to relate to the verses where Paul talks about his sufferings, even thought I am “suffering” so to speak.

As I have gone through treatment, reading such verses almost makes me bitter.

I’m not going through cancer because I love Jesus.

I’m not personally being persecuted because I am a Christian.

It seems like if my suffering was for the case of Christ, it might would make things a little easier.

What is the point of this?

Why did God allow this to happen to me?

Couldn’t he have stopped it?

I know the answer to that— he could have.

…but he didn’t, and I am upset, mad, confused, and frustrated.

And yet Paul writes “in whatever circumstance you are in, therewith to be content.” (Philippians 4:11)

I am striving to be content in this circumstance called cancer treatment.

In my long stays in the hospital, it almost felt like a prison. Especially when I was in the ICU or the rare times I was without visitors.

I was suffering, but it wasn’t FOR the sake of the gospel.

I wasn’t sick or weak because I have loved Jesus my whole life.

I’m certainly no present-day Paul.

But I have suffered.

I have stared death in it’s face.

I’ve been in a place where my only option was to rely on God.

A place where the prayers of believers held me up.

And so, my prayer is this:

Jesus, how can you use MY suffering to bring glory to your name? I ask that you would speak clearly to me, that I would be closer to you than ever before, and that somehow, someway my pain would not be in vain. Amen