Apple Orchards. Cozy Sweaters. Folk dance in my classroom. Fall Festivals. Outdoor Autumn Market with my Mom. Fall break with my family. A wonderful 8 year anniversary date with my husband.

Life was happy, lively, busy, and beautiful.

How did I feel before my cancer diagnosis?

Many people have asked me how I was feeling before I was diagnosed. A month before, I began to feel more tired than usual– but I just figured this was the life of a full time working mom of 2. I also started to feel some soreness and tightness in my chest. Sometimes when I would get dressed I would have a sudden pain where the mass was, but I thought I had just pulled a muscle or something.

The cough.

I was diagnosed 11-8-2022, and I began to have an intense cough sometime in October. It was unlike any other cough. It was a “barking” cough is the best way I could describe it–however it was very deep inside my lungs. My cough kept getting worse and worse. One October day I decided to go into the walk in clinic. I told them about the pain in my lungs/chest and my cough. They listened to the back of my lungs and sent me home with a Z pack.

I had a slight fever and I took one day off work.

My cough continued to get worse and worse. I kept up with life. Kept working, kept mothering.

I mentioned folk dance. I had been teaching such a fun folk dance unit with 3rd-5th graders in my classroom. I loved to dance with them and be their partners when the number was “uneven.” At the beginning of October, it was great.

The week before my diagnosis, I began to get very out of breath.

I remember my last day I taught. The class was uneven and I had to tell a student, “I’m sorry sweetie, I just can’t dance right now.”

I was so disheartened. Why was I so out of breath? Is this what 32 is?

But now I know.

It was the giant 10 cm mass on my chest pressing on my lungs that caused me not to be able to dance with that sweet one.

Psalm 103.

Sometimes the Lord puts certain scriptures on my heart. Have you ever experienced that? Or maybe he has put a worship song on your heart that really ministers to you during a hard time. God is so good, and he goes before us. He knows exactly what we need.

As I look back, I can truly see how he was preparing me. God already spoke things to my spirit to help encourage me and lift me up.

The 103rd psalm was on my heart and mind.

I would pray parts of this verse on my way to work and at night before I went to bed. Silly me didn’t understand why this was so prevalent to my mind. “He heals all my diseases.” “Your youth is renewed like eagles.”

I remember I texted my Dad about this verse, and how I didn’t understand why it was so prominent in my mind.

Oh, but now how I know.

Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
 Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
 who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
 who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Psalm 103:1-5

PRAISE the Lord my soul, all my inmost being praise his holy name.

Will I praise him in this storm? In this darkness?

There have been days where I haven’t. Where I haven’t had the strength to utter one word of praise.

In those days, my support, my community, the body of Christ– would praise and pray for me.

I received countless messages of encouragement that held me up, even when I couldn’t hold myself. And days that I would praise, sometimes it was hard, sometimes it was easy.

My inmost being, every part of me, even the cancer, would bow down to the authority and praise of Jesus Christ.

Forget not all his benefits.

God has been so faithful to me my whole life. When I stop and look at all the ways He has uplifted me, and been so loving to me, it brings me so much hope and joy in this season. Forget not his benefits.

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.

Well this one speaks for itself doesn’t it? He heals my disease. He healed my disease! I am in remission after my first induction of chemo!

I still have a very long journey to go, and I know those of you with ALL understand that.

Maybe you’re thinking, “God didn’t heal you, the chemo healed you!”

One of my dear cousins said something so profound and wise.

God wants so many of us to be healed, that he allowed doctors to find and use chemo to heal so many of us. So many people that wouldn’t have been healed otherwise without this medicine.

That’s incredible! The Lord created the doctors and their brains and the like.

And yes, I fully believe he is still in the miracle working business. With one touch from Jesus he can and does instantly heal!

I don’t try to understand his ways. His ways and his thoughts are higher than ours, how could I possibly try to understand?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.

I thought I had had bad days before. I thought my journey with postpartum depression was bad.

Nothing that I have been through compares to what I have been through in the past few months.

HE has redeemed my life from the pit, and he does so each and every day. I have hope because of Christ. I have a glimmer of strength because of him.

As I look at my hair that is falling out, I imagine how Jesus is crowning me with his love.

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

He brings goodness! Not just with his presence, but there has been so many good things that have been given me and my family throughout this. I’ve heard it be said it’s a gift to experience the “C” word, because then you learn how to really appreciate life.

I know that my energy and strength will be renewed.

I’m so thankful this verse was on my heart during the weeks leading up to my diagnosis.

Because what was seemed to be normal, beautiful life, was about to change, forever.

To read more about my cancer diagnosis, read here.

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